The Struggle Since Moving Back to PA

Since my last post I have move back to Port Angeles and started working at the hospital (my old job in registration now patient care coordinator). It has been a great feeling to get that stability feeling you get with a paycheck and knowing you can pay a bill without worrying about living from check to check.

It does take a toll on me working full time with my disabilities. The long hours of computer work even with my magnifier leaves my eyes fatigue and tension headaches almost daily. By the middle of the week I am physically and mentally drained. My weekends are spent recovering so I can go again on Monday. With Covid things are more of a struggle with the mask and plastic shield that I strain to hear patients. I even decided that maybe new hearing aids would help, but it has only helped a little bit. It is hard for me to say to a patient that I'm sorry I can't understand them and to ask them to write their name down. I have been lucky that most patients have been nice about it, but there are a few that get annoyed with me asking to repeat more than twice. I guess this is practice for me to speak up when I need that help (I am not good asking for help). This was written long time ago when I first moved back, now the current situation.

The last year I have been struggling with severe headaches/migraines leaving me to only sleep for relief- results in missing a lot of work. It has been trail and error with medications, injection, MRI, neurologist, and more to try to find a solution. Nothing has worked so far and missing work has been hard on me. I miss the interaction with my coworkers, a paycheck, and being out of bed and house. The pain is draining physically and emotionally. I am thankful for my family to help me out and keep me afloat.  It has been very frustrating, but I am trying my best to keep positive and think each night that tomorrow will be the day I get back to work. There are days where I don't feel I will get to that day I get back to work and less or no pain. I try to cry, but the tears won't fall. I want to scream, but instead I let the emotions build up inside me. I want to break something to release the frustration and anger, but I know I will just struggle to find the broke pieces. And of course, this is not helping my depression. Will I ever catch a break...

I have found as I moved back that my friends don't fully understand my situation and how I don't always "feel good" and being social is hard for me. I know deep down that I need to get out more and enjoy life while I can, but the fatigue, headaches, eye pain and anxiety all adds up and the energy I have left is used to get out of bed. I am ready for the day that mornings are not a struggle: to get up and face the day, the pain, the anxiety, the battle against my emotions, and putting on the brave face for everyone to see. 

Every day is a battle and one day I will win, but for now I push through.