Dating

Dating...ugh...why does it have to be so hard. I listen to stories of how parents or grandparents met and wish it was that "easy". I am an introvert and that doesn't help that being social gives me anxiety. I have tried online dating and that was a nightmare. 

I decided that I was going to be honest with anyone that showed interest that I have vision and hearing impairment and can't drive. I don't want to invest in my time getting to know someone when they will just bail when they find out. I know that this doesn't allow them to get to know me, but can you really get to know someone online? Most of them say they don't have an issue with it, but slowly disappear over a weeks time. Those that stick around, which is a rare number, end up wanting one thing only-sex. 

My worst fear is being alone and having to go through my vision loss without a partner to hold me when I need it, tell me that it is going to be okay and that they love me. I know that it is a lot to ask for a person to take on when we don't know what my future holds or how to prepare for what life can be like for me if I go completely blind. I am worried about it myself and very scared to face it. The idea of having a partner makes me feel a little less scared and safe, but I really don't want to be a burden. People tell me that it shouldn't matter if they love me, but I don't want them to end up resenting me. The idea of the person I love resenting me because he can't handle having to help me more or take on more chores breaks my heart. I have seen it happen to someone and I have heard many stories of it happening. I have been used and taken advantage of too many times that I don't want to go through that pain. It is hard enough to be rejected by someone that you have fallen for  that doesn't feel the same for you. I have a big heart that just wants to love someone, but I can't make those I like fall for me.

I debate with myself a lot on the idea of giving up dating and accepting the idea that I will be okay on my own with my family to help me out.  With all the hurt and rejection I have dealt with in the past the choice comes easiest; throw in the towel. No more online dating, no more trying. I am going to start focusing on myself and face my fears on my own (with my family).